Dating Tip #9: Chicks do NOT dig Ed Hardy Douchebags "dude-bro"

This is an ode to the single dad (and listen buddy, I invented the "kid as wingman" game, so give it up you amateur!) that sent his adorable little ragamuffin over to me at West Edmonton Mall yesterday...

There I was briskly walking through the mall looking for a Bell kiosk when I saw him...an ode to greased hair, sequins and gold dragons in expensive yet somehow ill-fitting jeans - he was at least 50 and seemed to see nothing wrong with being the world's oldest Ed Hardy douchebag (with the exception of the Audigier himself!!). He smiled and I noted that he had groomed eyebrows and that he was MISSING AT LEAST 5 TEEFS!..I immediately looked at my feet lest he think my eye contact was a show of interest, but I was too late. He'd locked his radar on me. I saw him lean down and whisper to his son, probably something along the line of "now you lissen to me Cletus-bro, dat der wo-man looked at yer paw and if yer tired of washing yer unnerpants in the creek and eating KFC for every meal, you'd better seal this deal fer us!". So little Cletus-bro came up and said "Hi! My daddy says you're pretty". Awww, so cute. Just a wee little dude-bro in the making.

Maintaining my brisk pace, I smiled at Cletus-bro, said thanks and kept walking...which is when I heard (and I wish I was joking!) the Geriatric Dude-Bro say "you're probably a dyke anyway". I had to laugh...and I did laugh...but now I'm wishing I'd at least made fun of his Audigier loving ass.

Also, SWEET BELT BUCKLE BRO!