Monday, May 31, 2010

Dating Lesson # 2 - What not to say..AKA the MOM factor!!

Dating Lesson #2 for the boys – the mom factor!!

Listen my sweet little bundles of testosterone, here’s what you need to think about…unless you have serious mommy issues, you probably love your mother quite a bit. You remember that warm, loving figure that would feed you and make you bathe even when you didn’t want to? The one that usually smelled good and always let you put your head in her lap when the world was just getting to be a bit much? The one that periodically tuned you in, even when you were a foot taller than she was? Just because she knew someone needed to keep you in check, and who better than someone that loves you? Well here’s a bit of a newsflash for you. These women you date? They’re either someone’s mom, or they will potentially BE someone’s mom. They are someone’s beloved family member. How would you like to have someone speak to or treat your mom the way you are treating the ladies?

Imagine some guy coming to take your precious life-giver out on a date…IF he bothers to pick her up, he is 15 minutes late. He tells her to make sure to bring her purse because it’s looking like tonight might get pricy…He slaps her on the bottom as they go out and tells her “mmm mmmmm! Babe, you are looking FINE!” No compliment on how pretty she is, how lucky he feels to be with her, how fabulous her shoes are. Just objectifying her with the intent of getting in her underpants. Yep, your mom’s underpants! That guy wants in them!! How are you feeling right now? Are you a little uncomfortable with that idea?

Now my precious little manlings, I want you to imagine your mom telling you that the man she likes isn’t that serious. He just wants to “hang out”. He wants a “casual” thing. He seems to be looking for more of a “friends with benefits situation”…but she’s sticking it out because mommy has needs too. By the way friends, I have had more than one man say that to me when I said I was busy mommying and was not free to go out…nothing makes a man more deserving of a slap to his bits than that comment!! If I am in the early stages of dating you, my “needs” are none of your business. Let’s discuss your tax return and assess your needs, ok Creeper?!?!

I am digressing yet again…but I want you to think of someone treating your sister, your mom, your niece, your DAUGHTER , your GRANDDAUGHTER, your Grandmother, your KINDERGARTEN TEACHER in the way some of you are treating women. Is your behaviour acceptable?

Again, for your edification, I am about to list certain phrases (some personal experience, some gleaned from the internet, some from friend’s experiences!!) that I am pretty sure you never want said to your beloved female family members…remember these the next time you are lucky enough to have an amazing woman at your side!

- Hardwood floor or wall to wall carpet?
- Do you really need to eat that?
- Your friend is looking super hot tonight.
- Let’s make out. Right now. (this is generally said in places like…church, the grocery store, funerals, a butcher shop…all the traditionally romantic zones)
- I always wanted to kiss an older woman.
- I am just too busy for a serious relationship right now.
- Have you ever considered an open relationship?
- I hate my ex, she’s a bi*@h.
- I am too scared to be with you, I need time to think, etc etc. (please fellas, can you stop being full of doo doo and just spit out the truth? Which is that you don’t want to date US. We’ll live. Most single women I know date 2 to 3 times a week. More on that in another post!)
- I didn’t realize I needed to dress up. (track pants are NOT appropriate date attire my precious little manlings!)
- It’s not that I don’t trust you…it’s him I don’t trust.
- Trust me baby, it’s all good.
- What’s wrong? Have you got your period?

I could go on forever. Basically, if you would punch someone for saying it to your mom, DON'T SAY IT TO A WOMAN!!! Don’t worry my Hairy Ones, I promise to also do a post on stupid things women say. I could do 3 or 4 on the stupid crap I’ve said! I’ll give you a brief taste before logging off…

Dumb things Sherrin has said:

- Does this make me look fat?
- Do you hate that I’m short?
- Have you considered trimming your nose hair?
- You’re not wearing that, are you?
- It’s not that I don’t trust you…it’s her I don’t trust.

Live and learn kids. Live and learn!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

An open letter to men - STOP USING THESE WORDS!!!

I'm back bitches! Awww, did you miss me? Do you need me to hold you to my heaving bosom? Have you recovered from the SNOW IN JUNE?!?! Ok, May 30th...but close enough to JUNE!!

Today's topic isn't really about dating. It's more a lesson for men...not boys, men. Men over 30. You all need to quit using certain words. You are no longer 5 years old and the terminology you are using for lady bits is really annoying the bejeezus out of me! I am not a woman that is annoyed by the C-bomb. Heck, I frequently drop a c-bomb and have even created a new swear called C-bomb face....but certain words offend me. Let's begin:

Breasts: ok. They're breasts. If you must, you may call them boobs. Gazongas. Hooters. jugs. Really, the only word that offends me is "titties". Seriously? Titties?!!? How about tits? Anything but titties. It's like something a 12 year old boy whispers to his friends when talking about what's in the neighbour girl's training bra. GROW UP. Stop using that word.
Also, now that I have issued this public warning, you should be advised that I will slap the next person that says this word in front of me right in the nuts!!

Vagina: It's so simple. There are a BAZILLION words for the hoo hoo. Women have adopted the va jay jay, I prefer cooter or hoo hoo. You can even use the C-bomb. Snatch? borderline offensive. Pussy or kitty? It works I suppose. I still don't think a hoo hoo looks anything like a feline, but whatever floats your boat. I think the only hoo hoo euphemism that really bothers me is "cunny". I don't know why, it just does! Let's all agree to call it Regina or perhaps THE PLEASURE GARDEN. Then you men could be smooth and classy and say things like "hey babe, could I wander leisurely through your pleasure garden tonight?". Now how is THAT not the greatest way to ask for sex?!?! It's guaranteed action!!

It is late and I am tired and that is all you get tonight. Let me know what euphemisms for your ladybits bother you!!