Monday, February 15, 2010

Dating Tip #9: Chicks do NOT dig Ed Hardy Douchebags "dude-bro"

This is an ode to the single dad (and listen buddy, I invented the "kid as wingman" game, so give it up you amateur!) that sent his adorable little ragamuffin over to me at West Edmonton Mall yesterday...

There I was briskly walking through the mall looking for a Bell kiosk when I saw ode to greased hair, sequins and gold dragons in expensive yet somehow ill-fitting jeans - he was at least 50 and seemed to see nothing wrong with being the world's oldest Ed Hardy douchebag (with the exception of the Audigier himself!!). He smiled and I noted that he had groomed eyebrows and that he was MISSING AT LEAST 5 TEEFS!..I immediately looked at my feet lest he think my eye contact was a show of interest, but I was too late. He'd locked his radar on me. I saw him lean down and whisper to his son, probably something along the line of "now you lissen to me Cletus-bro, dat der wo-man looked at yer paw and if yer tired of washing yer unnerpants in the creek and eating KFC for every meal, you'd better seal this deal fer us!". So little Cletus-bro came up and said "Hi! My daddy says you're pretty". Awww, so cute. Just a wee little dude-bro in the making.

Maintaining my brisk pace, I smiled at Cletus-bro, said thanks and kept walking...which is when I heard (and I wish I was joking!) the Geriatric Dude-Bro say "you're probably a dyke anyway". I had to laugh...and I did laugh...but now I'm wishing I'd at least made fun of his Audigier loving ass.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

communicator conversations OR the legend of Snowpants

So A1 and I work for the same company, which has a handy little tool called "communicator" we ended up in a discussion on Snowpants. Not the garment, the person!

ME: did I ever tell you about my coffee date with Snowpants from the gym?
A1: no lol
tell tell tell
ME: ok, the guy I call snowpants he always wears really baggy sweats at the gym. I don't think much of it, he works hard and has pretty decent arms and I know why he wears the baggy sweats though! He asked me for coffee. i go for coffee....he's wearing jeans and it honest to god looks like he's tucked a rolled up towel around his waist...and his pants - it looked like he was wearing snow pants but they weren't...they were his incredibly roly poly and fat and rotund lower body and legs filling his jeans out in a puffy way. EUGH
I couldn't quit looking at it, no matter how hard I tried not to!! It was like a trainwreck!
A1: omg omg omg! lol!!
So he did not have a big slong it was like rolls of fat, like what the nutty professor would wear in one of is his movies kinda thing?
ME: YEAH! And he probably thought I was looking at his junk but seriously, there was a roll obscuring where the junk should have been!!!
A1: omg why
how does that even happen?!? So what does his upper body look he shoved his fat from his arms and tummy down his pants?
Maybe that is all extra skin from losing a shit load of weight
ME: I'm sure it is
he was totally misshapen
like someone took a nice top and stuck it on a fat guy bottom
like those paper doll books where you could mix and match the heads, torsos and legs
A1: omg
i loved those
ME: yeah, but would you DATE one? I don't think so!
A1: noppers
ME: nope! Plus he was a slooowwwwwww talkkkerrrrr and i like me a nerd, but when he told me he went to Vulcan and bought some souvenirs and I had to feign excitement and awe it was so not cool!
He also wondered out loud about star trek costumes and whether or not he could start a cottage industry by making them. when i told him i was pretty sure you could buy them readily off the internet, he looked at me like I'd just spit gold and diamonds out of my mouth. He was THRILLED...and slightly disbelieving
A1: Wow
You know how to pick em - blog about
ME: yep, i fo sho do!!

this is me blogging about it...the rest of the conversation was too graphic!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Dating Tip #8: If you must have the last word, try not to make yourself look (more) foolish!

I once spent 3 weeks dating the epitome of "my type". Shaved head, full sleeve, brawny, and a trades person. Sounds good, right?!? Sighhhhh, they always sound good in the beginning. I met him many years ago when we worked for the same company and he looked me up on Facebook to tell me he'd heard I was single. Well helloooo, a girl loves a guy that makes the first move...and I'd forgotten who he was!

SOOOO, I start dating this divorced father of 3. Listed below, in no particular order, are the red flags I should have noted!

1) He took 2 weeks to tell me he'd been divorced twice.
2) He owes both ex-wives child support.
3) He bounced his rent cheques.
4) He is on medication for anxiety.
5) He expected me to kiss him, like a full-on make out kiss!, in public. ew!
6) He did not take every opportunity available to him to spend with his kids, and hadn't spoken to his oldest daughter in MONTHS.
7) He couldn't pay his bills but would gamble $200 a time in the VLT's!
8) He NEEDED to talk to me every single mothertrucking day.

Sadly enough, except for #'s 6 and 8, I was trying to be very accepting of everything. Finally, with encouragement and support and many exclamations of "OMG, there is NO way you will be able to handle that sort of irresponsibility!!" from my Wolfpack, I finally accepted that it was time to pull the chute on this hot mess that shall hereafter be known as DeadbeatDAD!

Being a coward, and far more macho than I like to admit, I did the guy thing..and unconsciously (but purposely? yikes!) didn't answer his calls one night..or his texts...or his voicemails...or his facebook messages..and seriously men, NEVER leave a total of 27 messages in different places for a woman. It screams..CRAAAZYYYYYYYY!!! The next morning I texted him and apologized and he proceeded to pick a fight because we didn't speak the night before. I took it as a perfect opportunity to end this, and THEN the text messages and phonecalls REALLY started. Our last conversation went as follows"

DBD: "Is it wrong that I think I should hear from my girlfriend every night?"
Me: "Not wrong, but a little strange! Life happens, sometimes people with kids get busy"
DBD: "I don't think there is any reason to ever get so busy you can't call your boyfriend!"
ME: "What if I'm high on all the coke I snorted off a hooker's thigh? What if I'm busy with all the other men I see? What if my BDSM game got out of hand and I couldn't shout FIRETRUCK in time to get them to untie me?"
DBD: "That's not funny"
Me: Well I said nothing, I had just cracked myself up and was busy giggling and snorting....
DBD: "I can see you're not ready for this discussion"
Me: "Sure I am! Here's the deal: you seem to be under the impression that you have the right to make demands of me. Your behaviour is coming across as needy and controlling and quite frankly, it's a dealbreaker. BYE"
DBD: "bye, I guess"

I thought that was the end of it...until 7 hours later when I received a text message from my very recently dumped ex. What it said: "Just as an FYI, your behaviour was a dealbreaker too".

I was certainly put in my place. I exhibited unacceptable behaviour when I broke up with him. LOL! I was now adequately shamed. I should probably have crawled back, hey? Orrrrrrr I could just let him have the last word and move on to my next unsuspecting victim! Here's hoping for a combination deadbeat dad/herpes sufferer. cmon dating gods, bring it on! :p

Monday, February 8, 2010

Dear Wonky Effing Toenail!!

Ok, I know I dropped a 50 lb dumbbell on you a month ago...I knew you were going to fall off...Did it have to be during a vigorous cardio workout? Did you have to fill my shoe with blood? And did you really have to stick straight up and catch on everything as I tore my shoe off?

I go to Gold's Gym, this sort of girly behaviour is frowned upon! Don't ever make me act like a girl at the gym again!!!!


Saturday, February 6, 2010

Dear Ben Stiller

I don't know how to break this to you, but you are no longer on my Freebie Five. I've lusted you for so long...your ill fitting swimsuit in Meet the Parents, your goofy, braces-filled grin in Something About Mary, your black lung cough in Zoolander....but you look a little sickly lately..and well, I just watched Colin Firth in About a Girl. You've been bumped.

Dear Colin Firth, welcome to the Freebie Five. You realize this means I am yours for the asking. You are now in the esteemed company of (in no particular order)

Will Mothertrucking Ferrell!!
Daniel Craig
Hugh Jackman
and Ryan Gosling.

In my mind, the 5 of you lounge around my house enjoying my cooking and changing the lightbulbs in your loincloths.

Ummmm, seriously, why am I single? :p

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Rant of the Day (so far!)

Dear Girl at Marble Slab,

Some people use these things called WORDS to communicate. I know grunting is big ummm, well on the farm I guess? But here in the BIG CITY we use words. Things like "HI" and "What can I get you?" and "you're welcome" when someone thanks you. If I see you again I will be sure to bring along my signing baboon so he can translate for us.

Love Always