Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What are you doing on Valentine's Day?

So, quite QUITE some time ago, I was doing that whole online dating thing. Remember? I'm fairly scarred by it, so I'm sure you do!

While on a heavily advertised site that supposedly matches you based on your compatibility. I was matched with a man I shall call "Beret Boy" because as I recall, he had a beret on in his profile picture. So, Beret Boy and I exchange an email. He tells me he thinks I'm stunning. Considering my profile picture is a picture of me drunk, with girlfriends (faces blacked out for the sake of their security AND their pride!), I'm pretty sure this guy likes his women slightly simple looking. Nevermind. We're super compatible! It says so!!

Turns out he works with troubled children. I assumed there was some level of education involved in that, but it turns out not so much. By the 4th email, I had learned that he had 2 grown children, was friends with his exes, had a head injury that gave him seizures, he didn't drive because he wasn't allowed to, he waxed poetic but couldn't spell, AND, he was trying to book me for Valentine's Day. Which was 4 or 5 months away. You guys, I had never EVER met this man!! Aside from his wordy emails (which I responded to with variations of "really? hahaha" or "no kidding? lol") we had never spoken.

Let's get into the shallow side of things for a sec. I'm no tall skinny supermodel by any stretch, but I do alright with the men. Meaning, I have standards! lol. You all know I like a big man with broad shoulders and that a bit of a tummy is ok. When I say a bit of a tummy, I do not mean something that sits on your lap like a pet cat. I mean just a bit of nice warm tummy to curl up next to on cold nights! I quickly realized that even on this super-scientific matching site, when a man has only face shots, you should worry. He sent me a picture you guys. He sent me a full body shot. I mean a FULL BODY SHOT that should have been blurred, but it's kind of ok because basically everything was obscured by what was a lot more than just a bit of tummy.

So, to summarize: VERY heavyset man, ready for his own A&E show. History of head trauma (can I refer you all back to One Ear/One Eye and remind you why I am slightly leery of head trauma in my dating choices?!?!). Overly attached and enthusiastic. SENT ME AN UNCLOTHED PCICTURE!! Still, was I running for the hills? Not just yet. That happened on Day 4 of the email exchanges.

He had a pattern of sending me MANY messages (at least one every hour, several times a day) and he seemed to understand that I would respond to all of them with just one message of my own. Until Day 3, when apparently he had decided we were ready for a commitment. The emails were coming 4 or 5 every hour. I didn't even want to read them. It was akin to Stewie Griffin's version of love letters. Each mail would have a 4 word sentence. "Hi :)" or "You're so pretty" or "You're so smart. I'm so lucky". Obviously this was a bit off-putting. So I did what I always do in situations where men are pressuring me romantically - pretended he didn't exist. When his messages were met with silence, he turned the Creep dial to 9 and started asking why I wasn't responding. So I explained that this level of attention was too much for me, that I had a family AND a life and could not respond to 39 emails a day. That I was just frankly not that interested, and perhaps he should look for someone more in line with his personality. Of course he became offended and told me no one else came even close to me. (ummm huh?).

So, long story short...I just quit emailing him after that. After about 6 weeks, he sent me one final attempt at communication. This one saying "I understand your point. It's been awhile since I was interested in a woman with children. I'll leave you alone, but I'll be at (redacted) Restaurant on Valentine's Day 2010, hoping you'll join me."

Sigh. You guys, what does it mean when THIS is what I am matched with by a scientific matching system?!?! This means I'm the problem, doesn't it?!! It's ok, you can tell me!!!

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