Sunday, January 17, 2010

Dating Tip #1: No one wants to see your manlybits!

Sooo, I now consider myself a veteran of internet dating. I've noticed a strange phenomenon. People (I'm being all equal opportunity and assuming women do it too) seem to think it totally normal to send pictures of their bits to total strangers. Let's not forget, even 42 emails and 15 text messages do not make you 'friends". We are all still strangers. So why would you send a picture of your poorly manscaped (or she-scaped!) manlybits!?

There have been several incidents of these, ranging in age from 21 to 63. The first memorable event was the 21 yr old boy that had been messaging me even after I told him he was far too young. My birthday was coming and he asked if he could call. Thinking there was no harm in a phone call, I was slightly shocked to receive a text and attachment saying "Happy Birthday, here'sa gift". This wee young Kyle (all boys that age are named Kyle, right?) had sent me a photo of himself, looking very happy. VERY HAPPY. He received a phone call from the Wolfpack to thank him for his efforts. the mockery was incidental and I am sure he has now recovered...or at least learned a valuable lesson!

The next: While enjoying an evening of ghetto karaoke (why is karaoke always held in the SEEDIEST bars?!?!), we played pool with a group of lovely little boys from the East Coast. Being original (and needing to individually identify all 4 kyles but not being nice enough to learn their names) I gave them names: Blue Shirt, Bling (he had huge cz's in his ears!), Chexmix (he had a checkered shirt) and the Other Guy. They were entertaining as all get out so I gave them my card so we could play pool again. Yes, just to play pool - they're only 4 yrs older than my son for crying out loud. It even said "THIS IS NOT FOR BOOTYCALLS. You kids were fun, call us next time you're playing pool". I think that's fairly clear, no? Sooooo, 2 hrs later I get a text message from Blue Shirt asking for me to send his number to my BFF Amy...along with an attachmet of his nether regions..covered in Fruit of the Loom underwear and displaying an abysmal lack of manscaping. Like a veritable pubic hair forest barely contained by those poor FOTL's!!. I dutifully sent it to Amy and enjoyed her reaction (more horrified by the lack of brand name underwear than the balls it took to send this picure in the first place!). When Blue Shirt requested her response, I kindly said that she prefers to request such photos. Then he sent me a photo "just for me"..which was a full text monty. Sweet mother of pearl. I am still scrubbing my eyeballs and memory banks.

the most recent: Met a lovely man. Single for a year. Kind of a slow speaker, but attractive. Drawback? Reminded me of my ex-husband (another lovely man, but there's a reason we're not married anymore!!) so much that I could almost finish his sentences for him!! We shall call him the Clinginator. I wasn't gagging to date him, but I wasn't sure that he was a total write-off. He was very attentive (or clingy?) and if his texts were not responded to within a half an hour he would ask what he had done to annoy me. ARGH. ANYHOO, after finally getting through to him that I am not the woman who enjoys a man hanging off my left teet all the time (yeah, I said TEET!!), I thought we had made headway...until the night I received a text from him..Transcript as follows:
Clinginator: "would u like a sex pic of me?"
Me: "pardon me?"
Clinginator: "Did I say something wrong? I guess not! Sorry! (Private parts showing)"
Me: (did not respond, was beating head into wall)
Clinginator: 11:03: "Sorry! Hope I didn't offend u"
Me: (did not respond, was busy being offended!!)
Clinginator: "I'm sorry if I did that wrong"
Me: What the hell would make you think I would want something like that?! All you've done is kiss me goodnite and now I'm supposed to look at your junk?!?!"
Clinginator: "I did that wrong. I have shorts on. It's not like that"
Me: (forwarded previous text with the words "private parts showing"
Clinginator: "I raelly (sic) feel like I screwed this up"
Clinginator: "sprry (sic) goodnight".

For your viewing pleasure, in the future I will share all unwelcome "manlybits" shots on the blog (obviously there will be an artfully placed "CENSORED" bar across the's bad enough I'm scarred, you all shouldn't have to be!). Watch for it!

Moral of the story: Ladies, don't be afraid to tell your dates that there's nothing wrong with leaving a little to the imagination! Men, We don't want to see your self-portraits. Also, you seem to consistently be confusing millimeters with inches. Your self-esteem is laudable, your unit of measure? ummm, debatable!!

1 comment:

  1. I wonder what makes men think we wanna see their stuff?