I also considered calling this "If you are an amputee, please warn us so we can be prepared!!!"
First, let me state that THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. There is no exaggeration or embellishment - all of the following ACTUALLY HAPPENED. To me, the resident chaos magnet!!
So, fresh off Part 1 of a horrible, lingering 2 part breakup, I allowed myself to be set up on a blind date.. Please note: I am no longer friends with the woman that set us up!
Who is my first date with? A custodian/DJ. I realize now that all his pictures were in profile...but he seemed to be tall, fit and slightly balding. All my favorites! After exchanging 400 msgs and speaking on the phone several times, we agreed to meet in the afternoon at a local coffee shop. In hindsight, the fact that he spoke at length about what he had cooked for dinner each evening should have warned me that he was a little unusual...OR FREAKIN LOONEY TUNES!!!
I arrive at the coffee shop at 2:00 and immediately notice the girls at the counter whispering behind their hands while looking to their right at....my date. He's dressed in a suit. Mid afternoon on a Saturday. Not just any suit. An ill-fitting, cheap, shiny, WRINKLED suit! So he totters up as I'm paying for my tea and asks me "What's good here?". My typically sweet and charming response? "The logo is a coffee cup, might I suggest a cup of coffee?!?!" As I'm looking at him, I register that his left eye doesn't move...and my internal dialogue (let's remember people, I was a damaged husk of a woman at that point!!) went as follows: "That's a glass eye. Sweet mother of pearl, that's a GLASS EYE! ok wait..he's a lovely man. So my friends will make fun of me? So what, he's such a kind, sweet man!!". Having mentally shaken off the initial shock, I pulled up my big girl panties and sat down with OE/OE. Oh, did I mention that when he talks, he shakes his head like a bobblehead doll? Seriously. Like a bobblehead!
Flash forward to 2:03 at which point OE/OE has reached across the table (he is 6'2, I am just under 5 ft) and is shaking me vigorously by the arm and shoulder whilst yelling "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!?! WHO ARE YOU WITH?!?!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!". He was demonstrating to me that he would never be a possessive partner. After laughing nervously, moving my body as far away from his as I could be across the table, and letting the other patrons know I was ok and there was no need to call 911 (but thanks to all of you for whipping out your cell phones..sigh..AWWWKKKKWWARRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!), I decided to change the subject and asked what he'd made for dinner the evening before.....
Flash forward to 2:04: I have just noticed all the teeth in his head are smashed to one side of his head. Once again internal dialogue goes as follows "It's ok. My friends will laugh, but he's a lovely man. It's just some dental work."
2:06: Have now noted that he keeps talking about his joint custody cat.
2:08: Am becoming hypnotized by the bobblehead movement...wait..is that ear a different color? Is it just the light shining through the window? did someone forget to shut the car doors? Those are seriously large ears!
2:10: WAITAMINUTE! That's a prosthetic ear! It's not even blended with makeup, it's like a latex Phantom of the Opera mask across his cheek...but it doesn't cover his eye, it covers his ear! HOLY SMOKES. No internal dialogue at this point. Trying not to look at it.
2:12: While looking deeply into my eyes, he leans across the table and sings to me. The soundtrack has been great - all 80's pop. What he chooses to sing along with? Jody Whatley's "I'm looking for a new love". The portion he sings? Loudly? Whilst bobbleheading madly? "WAS HE HOT?! DID HE TURN YOU ON?! CURIOSITY RULES MY BRAIN!". It is at this point that I realize I must leave.
2:13 - grabbing my purse and explaining that I need to run back to Home Depot to meet friends who are going to weigh in on the purchase of some bedding plants (Hey - I'm a bad liar ok?!?! ), he insists on walking me to my car. Friends, my little legs have never moved more quickly! As we're walking, he tells me how much he's enjoyed meeting me and how he'd love for me to meet his friends and how there is a bar b q tomorrow that he'd love if I could be a part of (probably as the main course! YIKESSS!). Wanting to be kind but not be a fibber, I explained that I hadn't really felt a "spark" but that I appreciated his time. With that, I extend my hand for a handshake...and stand there looking up at him, terrified into paralysis as he leans down...licking his lips (OH GOD THOSE TEETH!)...AND KISSED ME. ON THE MOUTH. It was a close-mouthed Grandpa kiss (thank you jeebus!!) and as I stuttered a good bye and jumped into my car, I realized I was making my distress sound. A high-pitched keening wail that goes something like "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and deafens dogs for miles. Hopefully his good ear was not bionic.
Feeling much guilt over my lack of attraction and absolute horror at the kiss, I call the friend that had set us up, asking what she was thinking! Her response? "It's not like you to be so judgey! I thought you could get past it". when I asked her why she hadn't warned me, her response was, "Because I didn't think you'd go." Really Sherlock? ya think?!?!
For 5 months afterwards this gentleman would text me and call me, inviting me for dinner. In October when I told him I had reunited with my ex, his response was the following text:
"That's fine. Let me know when you're ready for a real man, and if you're lucky I'll still be single."
A real man?!?! Seriously Mr Potatohead?!?! A REAL MAN?!?! Is this like a Pinocchio reference?!?! REALLY?!?!?
moral of the story: Always ask for full disclosure re: original parts. Never let your friends set you up on a blind date.
oh, and when exchanging dating horror stories, make sure your date actually has 2 eyes..because while retelling this story with a gentleman I'd had a few dates with, he actually had to stop me and say "ummmm, you know I have a glass eye, right?". AWWWKKKWWWARRDDDDD.
Nope, I have no idea why I'm still single either!! :p